It was a year of restrained gift giving. The house moves had taught us that we already have lots of stuff – much of which wasn’t missed when packed. Also the toddler has no actual interest in toys- unless it’s Lego that can be shoved between wonky floor boards or a pony that can be swung by her sparkling pink mane.
In an attempt to maintain that restraint – while holding out hope that the child would develop an interest in something that isn’t his mother, Santa brought a shiny red workbench with tools. The initial interest was low. There was no wow factor, no squeal of appreciation, or even to be honest a flicker of delight. We did our best ‘suggestive sell’ and interest peaked on New Year’s Eve when he picked up the hammer and hit his daddy on the head. He got a good laugh out of that but after that introductory play he hasn’t returned to the bench.
So with an air of bitter defeat, and a child clung to my lap, here – for reference by any other fool parent, is the list of what I should have bought this 22 month old terror.
1. A kitchen cupboard
He has evicted the Hoover from its home and habitually occupies a favourite cupboard for good chunks of the day. Each time the door is closed from inside we wince at the coming finger crunch but so far the accident prone mini-monster has executed the last minute pulling in of fingers with perfection.
2. A boob
The obsession for ‘his’ bobo continues unabaited. Some mail order silicone implants stuffed inside some knitted boobies would have been the perfect stocking stuffer. And these would have been great value too when he hits his teens and is having a tough time tackling bra clasps.
The are small, swallowable, can be hidden in his vest (smart kid) and are not his. These are his only real non-mama-related passion.
4. A dog aka ‘a gaga’
He loves shouting at gagas. When they have the audacity to move or bark back, the chatterbox goes quiet. I should have bought him a bloody dog.
5. A large double bed that belongs to someone else
He’s the eternal co-sleeper / squatter with some hard core house rules. He hates covers so we’re not allowed pull the quilt up so instead we sleep in fleeces. I’m thinking of moving into one of the selection of sleeping places in his actual room. Two sleep deprived years in I reckon I could totally get a nights kip in the cot. His dad can take the toddler bed, and we’ll just concede the super-king to the land grabbing midget.
6. A jar of curry powder
He disproves the theory of aversion therapy every goddam day when he returns to suck on the same jar of curry powder. The comes the gagging and spitting. See you at the same time, same place tomorrow little buddy.
7. His dad’s 2008 Nokia flip phone
He is obsessed with his ‘hi-ya’ – a reject from my MIL now used by the only 40-something year old who is resisting the urge to get one of these new fandango smart phones. The toddler is the only person who thinks his dad’s phone is cool. They both need to learn the way of the iPhone.
8. A toilet brush
All toilet brushes – particularly those in public toilets, are THE best toy, ever.
9. The Apple TV remote
Take the item in the house most coveted by both other siblings. Make it shiny and teeny tiny and what have you got? Gleaming gold irresistible to my little magpie.
10. A full glass of wine
Clearly he inherits this from me.
Take items 1 to 9 but back off the wine buddy. #DryJanuaryMyArse